Thursday July 12, 2007 10:15 PM

The drugs Jim got for his c-diff seem to be working, so that's good, but I think his mental state has deteriorated a little bit. He seems more irritable again and doesn't want to do anything. Not that he did very much BEFORE, but he just seems off. And his speech is definitely slipping and he now makes strange sucking noises every now and then...it scares me sometimes because it sounds like he's dying. Apparently every week the nerve sensations in his jaw change....I guess as different nerves are healing and waking up...and since he's missing so many teeth that doesn't help. Now that he's feeling better we have to go through the process of rescheduling all his tests...his chest x-ray for the pulmonary guy, the carotid duplex for Dr. Lombardi the vascular guy, the manometry study for the ENT (this he really needs so that they can come up with a new diagnosis code so Jim can continue therapy, plus all his pre-op bloodwork for the teeth pulling. On top of it, Jim's local dentist, Dr. Drain, who was in charge of making his overdentures, has decided after speaking with the maxio-facial surgeon, that she's in over her head and has referred Jim to an overdenture spcialist, which means pre-determination of benefits will have to be done over again. What Jim really is looking forward to is having his throat stretched because he thinks that will really help him eat. That's supposed to be done at the same time as the teeth. Ugh. This is going to take a long, long while.

Last week Jim was really a grouchy animal. He and I very rarely fight. We may have a disagreement, but that's not the same thing as a fight. I can probably count all of our fights in the last seven years on one hand. But MAN, I had had it with him on the 3rd of July. Since the 4th was on a Wednesday and we both had to work the next day, plus Jimmy had to get up early for camp, I thought it would be a good idea to take Jimmy to the fireworks Tuesday night. They were having fireworks in Haddonfield where we had gone last year. But Jimmy had a dermatologist appointment that night at 7pm that we had waited three months to get, so I figured if we got out of there at a decent time we'd head over to Haddonfield. So that night I tell Jim my plans, and he's huffing and puffing and ROLLING the eyes. Now, even when Jim was tumor-less he was never one to go anywhere except the couch, but he never gave me a hard time about the fireworks. But I had had it this time. I was not going to drag along an unwilling participant. Jimmy and I would go ourselves. Now Jim's still rolling his eyes and sighing and says, "I'm putting my shoes on!!!!" I told him, no- stay home. It will be the best of both worlds...you can do what you like to do which is sit on your ass all night, and Jimmy and I will do what we like to do. Well, Jimmy and I didn't get home until quarter to eleven that night and here's Jim wiping up the kitchen counter and fuming. I think he never expected me to actually leave without him. Well, later he apologized. I thought maybe he'd think twice now before being a giant stick in the mud.

Saturday we had beautiful weather here...not too hot...a nice breeze blowing...so I thought it might be nice to take Jimmy down the shore for the night. We're about 45 minutes from Ocean City, which is just south of Atlantic City...and Jimmy's never been to the beach or seen a boardwalk. So I mention this in the afternoon, and Jim is o.k. with it....not enthusiastic, but o.k. At 5 o'clock I tell Jim I'd like to leave in half an hour. He doesn;t budge off the couch, and at 5:30 he's asleep. Well, screw it. Jimmy and I went. And Jimmy had the best time. Jim missed a lot of firsts that night...Jimmy seeing the ocean and playing in the sand...Jimmy walking the boardwalk...and Jimmy, who's normally scared of everything, riding an adult roller coaster. So we had our adventure. And Jim felt bad about it, but I'm not sitting around anymore coaxing him into doing things. He tells me that his Dad never took the kids anywhere, so that might be where it comes from. But if you felt that your own parents never took you anywhere and you recognize that, BREAK THE CHAIN for Christ sake.

So I'm getting a little sick of it. It would be nice to do something once in awhile as a family, you think? Especially now that Jim is alive and the tumor didn't kill him. You'd think he'd want to live a little and wouldn't want to miss these times with his son. Today we both went to the shrink and I asked him to please tell Dr. Shah that he might need a boost in medication. But last week when I was really pissed off I told Jim to see if Dr. Shah had any asshole pills to go along with his Lexapro. I guess there's no such thing as asshole pills.

Jim also bought some crazy t-shirts from this website called T-Shirt Hell. He got one for him that says "I shaved my balls for this?" I think he should wear that to the hospital when he gets his teeth and his throat done. And he picked one out for me that has this 1950's-style picture of a man holding a cleaver. It says, "You can't have manslaughter without laughter." He said it seemed to fit my personality. He couldn't say exactly why. But I wore it to the shrink.