Sunday January 18, 2008 9:45 PM

I went back to Dr. Marshall in White Plains this week. It took me three and a half hours to get there because it snowed that morning. We're not talking about a lot of snow, because if that was the case I would have rescheduled, but just a dusting. However, people can't drive in any kind of bad weather, so what should have been a twenty-minute trip to get to the NJ Turnpike turned into an hour and fifteen minutes. The worst road hazard on the rest of the trip was the massive amount of salt on the roads. Literally every couple of miles I had to wash the windshield because of all the salty mist spraying onto my car, and I was praying I'd make it to White Plains before running out of washer fluid.

Dr. Marshall asked how I was feeling and I said, "I'm still fat." My shrink had told me to quit the 1000 calorie a day fast, which wasn't working anyway, and just eat normally. Luckily I haven't gained any MORE weight, but I'm not losing either. Dr. Marshall chuckled at me and said, "You're not FAT. I'm sure your husband thinks you look good...." and I said, "Sure he does, and then I call him a liar! I own a mirror!" Dr. Marshall gets a kick out of me. I tell him I almost wish I could have some of my inflammatory bowel disease back, which was good for some major weight loss. Then I start throwing my skinny jokes out....if I get too close to the pencil sharpener I might fall in...stand behind the flagpole and the teacher marks you absent....go outside and dogs try to bury you....Now I'm so wide that I go outside on a sunny day and kids pay me to stand in my shade.....

Dr. Marshall looks at my latest bloodwork and says that he has to adjust my synthroid a little because now I'm slightly hyPERthyroid. Now, being hyperthyroid should have been good for a couple of pounds off, by noooooooooo. My tachycardia is also coming back....my heart rate was 100 bpm in his office. He dialed my dose down a small notch but now is going to try and figure out why I gained so much weight in such a short period of time without benefit of cheesecake. He explains to me that there's a small subset of people (why am I always in the small subset of people?) who even though their thyroid is properly treated, their metabolism tanks. Dr. Marshall didn't use the word "tanks", but I'm paraphrasing here. That small subset of people, though, are typically obese. I told him that if something isn't done to get this under control I will BECOME obese, and pretty damn quickly too. He said the standard treatment for this small subset of people is basically amphetamines, which are a no-no for me with my tachycardia. I go back in eight weeks and if the thyroid is in the normal range by then he's probably going to start to play around with my insulin levels. I'll do anything. I don't care what it is. Even though I've seen the hell that Jim went through having a feeding tube, if Dr. Marshall said my only option was to do that I'd be running to the hospital right now yelling, "Sign me up!" I am a desperate, desperate woman. I would even do the speed if Dr. Marshall let me. Since I'm not going to be buying drugs on the streets of Camden I guess that's not an option.

Friday night I think God punished me for wishing for inflammatory bowel disease. I got hit with what sure seemed like my old friend at about 11 o'clock, and I was feeling like I was going to pass out on the toilet. I started thinking, is this my c-diff again? But no, c-diff has that very distinct toxic smell. Then I thought, do I have a stomach bug? So I did the french fry test....if someone gave me a McDonalds french fry right now, would I eat it? If the answer is yes, then I'm not sick. Nauseous people don't want greasy french fries. The answer was yes, so I couldn't be sick. I could have treated this gastric explosion because I keep a supply of Cipro that I keep in case of the bowel disease coming back, but I just let it run...literally. I figured it should be good for a pound or so down. Then I started thinking....could I live with this every day if it came back for real? Yeah....I think I could.

And no, Jim doesn't have his bottom teeth yet. He was supposed to see Vanni before Christmas but had to cancel because he had a guy quit at work and another one was on vacation. He hasn't rescheduled yet, but probably will be able to soon because he got a new guy hired. We have long stopped trying to rush this process. I don't know about Jim, but I'm just too tired to worry much about it anymore.