So I go to see Jim twice today...once in the early afternoon and once at night. I always like to go to make sure he doesn't get another nurse like Little Miss Sunshine. Now he's picked up a staph infection so you have to wear a gown and gloves to go into his room. The nurse said it's not so much for preventing me giving HIM germs but to protect me from his staph infection so I don't go spreading it around the hospital. Apparently they test all of the nurses for it once a year and every year about 6 percent of them come up positive and have to be treated. He tested positive in his nasal swab but they don't know if it's in his blood yet because those cultures won't come back for a few days, but they're treating him with the heavy duty stuff now anyway. This made me nervous because you hear all kinds of crap on the news about these virulent staph infections killing people all the time, but the infectious disease specialist came in while I was there and said not to worry...it's only the elderly and people with compromised immune systems that they worry about with this...like people on chemo or people with lupus taking prednisone (lucky my lupus is not active right now and I'm not on that stuff) or people with HIV infections. But Jim says he feels really good and his neck feels normal for the first time since he's been in the hospital. He was awake and alert and watching t.v. both times...not in a lot of pain...on less morphine than he was after surgery number 2. He's just still coughing up a lot of crap, so tonight they were sending in the respiratory therapist to give hima nebulizer treatment. But they say it's good he's coughing up the crap because that means his body is getting rid of it on it's own. His white blood cell count is coming down and all of his other blood work looks good. There was definitely something going on with those three teeth they pulled because last night after they pulled them he spiked a fever of almost 103, but after one dose of Tylenol it broke. The infectious disease specialist agreed with me about how his rotten teeth could have caused 1) his infection in his throat and 2) his pnemonia, so at least I'm not an idiot, but he said it's better to leave the rest alone until he clears his other infections because they'll only releae more bacteria into his bloodstream right now. I asked Jim if he wanted me to push the issue and he said no. So I'll do what he wants and leave it alone. But if that biopsy of the material in his neck comes back positive for the bacteria in his mouth I'm going to gloat, gloat, gloat. My Mom suggested I tell them, "OK- who wants to apologize to me first?"
But Jim is joking around so I'm staying positive. They took the breathing tube out today and now he's just got the oxygen mask on, but the sucker is so loud we can't hear each other. Every time he wants to say something I have to stand up and get close to him to hear. Plus it doesn't help I'm half deaf anyway.
Tawanda left today. Apparently she's going to visit someone she knows who just had a kidney transplant. Geez...she must be sick of hospitals. Last night we were joking that if Jim keeps having problems in his neck maybe we should just put another head on him like in the movie "The Thing With Two Heads." She never heard of that movie. It's about a racist white guy who has his head stuck on a black man's body (Rosey Grier). I've got to find a way to put the movie poster on this blog. It's such a BAD, BAD movie. But it was made in 1972 so what can you expect.
And to everyone who's been e-mailing me...thank you. It's very encouraging and does really help me get through this. Keep it up. I love hearing from you.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Friday, March 9, 2007
Friday March 9, 2007 11:27 PM
I really can't take much more of this, and I honestly don't know how Jim continues to fight. Now it's his third time in the ICU.
They finished his surgery this morning at about 11 and I spoke with Dr. Dolan. I don't know if I 100 percent understand what he was telling me, but here goes: Apparently Jim did not have an abcess in his neck. There was another artery that was eaten through by some sort of infection, so blood was pooling in his neck. Not a lot like the catastrophic thing he went through two weeks ago, but enough that they had to fix another artery. They sent part of the artery to be biopsied to see what the hell this is all about, but those results won't be back for a week. Now, Dr. Dolan doesn't believe Jim's rotten teeth have anything to do with this infection, but Dr. Tannas (Dr. Dolan's partner) thinks I'm on to something, and agrees with me that the teeth should come out. Does he know for sure that's what's causing the problem? Of course not. Nobody knows. But he believes it's possible, and just the fact that they're rotten means they should come out anyway. Dr. Tannas had tried to get the oral surgeon into the ER with them this morning, but the guy couldn;t make it, so he was going to come in the afternoon. Dr. Dolan says that there was no active infection in the teeth right now. Well, of course there's no active infection in the teeth right NOW- the man's been on four antibiotics for the past week. But when his stitches were healing in the inside of his mouth, couldn't the virulent bacteria that's been living in his mouth for the past X years have seeped through the stitches from his mouth into his neck and then festered there? I mean, I don't have to be a Harvard graduate to figure that one out. At least Dr. Tannas agrees and doesn't think I'm off my rocker. And every time you intubate the man you're pushing all of that bacteria down into his lungs and then you wonder why he gets pneumonia. So I waited until the oral surgeon showed up at around 3:30 pm. (Oh, and guess who I saw working in the ICU today? Little Miss Sunshine. She actually smiled at me. Yeah, you better smile...and you better stay away from me.)
They were talking about pulling the teeth in the ICU room, but decided to use the Operating Room instead, but got an emergency surgery, so Jim got bumped. The next thing I hear is that they're not pulling Jim's teeth today at all. So Tawanda and I went to dinner, then I got a call from the dentist during dessert that he pulled three of Jim's teeth that were closest to the infection site in his neck. What about the rest of them? I ask him. He's saying he doesn't have a game plan for that yet. I'm going to page the shit out of Dr. Dolan tomorrow because he's on call and I'm stuck with him, and get to the bottom of this. Get all of those suckers out, and get them out now!
And now my father-inlaw is giving me a hard time. Right before I went to dinner I spoke with my mother, and there was no news to tell. Joe, my stepfather, was planning on calling Nick anyway so I asked him to please let Nick know that there's no news, and I'll call him if I get any. Next thing you know Nick's calling me saying I shouldn't have anyone else call him but me, and he wants to come up here. I tell him, Nick- I have three cell phones ringing at once and I only have ONE mouth, so I can only talk to one person at a time, and I'm exhausted- physically and mentally. Yes, I know this is his son and I know he's worried, but the best way he can help us is to take care of Jimmy for us. If there's any person in this world that can push and pull and fight and scratch and nag and cajole to get my husband the best treatment they possibly can it's me. There is no one that could do a better job at that. Right now he would be more of a hindrance than a help, because you have to have a knack at dealing with these doctors, and carrying on is just going to turn them off.
So Jim's in the ICU tonight back on a respirator and they have him heavily sedated, but the attending physician in the ICU may take the tube out tomorrow. Dear Lord, I can't handle any more of this. WHAT is going on in my husband's neck? I still think I'm right about this teeth thing, but no one knows for sure. I want to get out of here, I want to take him home healthy, and I want to be a family again.
The only bright spot in the day was the fact that my bipolar meds kicked in, and oh my God...for the first time in as long as I can remember my mind stopped racing and I actually experienced CLARITY. I don't think I could have gotten through this without that happening.
Today I received a card from my step-sister in Idaho, and the saying on it was really very beautiful and very appropriate, so I thought I'd include it here:
Nobody ever said you had to be strong every minute of every day...especially when stresses and strains start weighing on you to the point where you wonder how you can possibly bear it all. You're not supposed to- that's when God comes in. I look at you and I see a much-loved child of God, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He's watching over you, waiting for you to let go of some of your load and lean on Him...I also see see someone I care about and want to help any way I can...and I hope you'll let me. Just remember, you're not alone, and you never will be.
They finished his surgery this morning at about 11 and I spoke with Dr. Dolan. I don't know if I 100 percent understand what he was telling me, but here goes: Apparently Jim did not have an abcess in his neck. There was another artery that was eaten through by some sort of infection, so blood was pooling in his neck. Not a lot like the catastrophic thing he went through two weeks ago, but enough that they had to fix another artery. They sent part of the artery to be biopsied to see what the hell this is all about, but those results won't be back for a week. Now, Dr. Dolan doesn't believe Jim's rotten teeth have anything to do with this infection, but Dr. Tannas (Dr. Dolan's partner) thinks I'm on to something, and agrees with me that the teeth should come out. Does he know for sure that's what's causing the problem? Of course not. Nobody knows. But he believes it's possible, and just the fact that they're rotten means they should come out anyway. Dr. Tannas had tried to get the oral surgeon into the ER with them this morning, but the guy couldn;t make it, so he was going to come in the afternoon. Dr. Dolan says that there was no active infection in the teeth right now. Well, of course there's no active infection in the teeth right NOW- the man's been on four antibiotics for the past week. But when his stitches were healing in the inside of his mouth, couldn't the virulent bacteria that's been living in his mouth for the past X years have seeped through the stitches from his mouth into his neck and then festered there? I mean, I don't have to be a Harvard graduate to figure that one out. At least Dr. Tannas agrees and doesn't think I'm off my rocker. And every time you intubate the man you're pushing all of that bacteria down into his lungs and then you wonder why he gets pneumonia. So I waited until the oral surgeon showed up at around 3:30 pm. (Oh, and guess who I saw working in the ICU today? Little Miss Sunshine. She actually smiled at me. Yeah, you better smile...and you better stay away from me.)
They were talking about pulling the teeth in the ICU room, but decided to use the Operating Room instead, but got an emergency surgery, so Jim got bumped. The next thing I hear is that they're not pulling Jim's teeth today at all. So Tawanda and I went to dinner, then I got a call from the dentist during dessert that he pulled three of Jim's teeth that were closest to the infection site in his neck. What about the rest of them? I ask him. He's saying he doesn't have a game plan for that yet. I'm going to page the shit out of Dr. Dolan tomorrow because he's on call and I'm stuck with him, and get to the bottom of this. Get all of those suckers out, and get them out now!
And now my father-inlaw is giving me a hard time. Right before I went to dinner I spoke with my mother, and there was no news to tell. Joe, my stepfather, was planning on calling Nick anyway so I asked him to please let Nick know that there's no news, and I'll call him if I get any. Next thing you know Nick's calling me saying I shouldn't have anyone else call him but me, and he wants to come up here. I tell him, Nick- I have three cell phones ringing at once and I only have ONE mouth, so I can only talk to one person at a time, and I'm exhausted- physically and mentally. Yes, I know this is his son and I know he's worried, but the best way he can help us is to take care of Jimmy for us. If there's any person in this world that can push and pull and fight and scratch and nag and cajole to get my husband the best treatment they possibly can it's me. There is no one that could do a better job at that. Right now he would be more of a hindrance than a help, because you have to have a knack at dealing with these doctors, and carrying on is just going to turn them off.
So Jim's in the ICU tonight back on a respirator and they have him heavily sedated, but the attending physician in the ICU may take the tube out tomorrow. Dear Lord, I can't handle any more of this. WHAT is going on in my husband's neck? I still think I'm right about this teeth thing, but no one knows for sure. I want to get out of here, I want to take him home healthy, and I want to be a family again.
The only bright spot in the day was the fact that my bipolar meds kicked in, and oh my God...for the first time in as long as I can remember my mind stopped racing and I actually experienced CLARITY. I don't think I could have gotten through this without that happening.
Today I received a card from my step-sister in Idaho, and the saying on it was really very beautiful and very appropriate, so I thought I'd include it here:
Nobody ever said you had to be strong every minute of every day...especially when stresses and strains start weighing on you to the point where you wonder how you can possibly bear it all. You're not supposed to- that's when God comes in. I look at you and I see a much-loved child of God, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He's watching over you, waiting for you to let go of some of your load and lean on Him...I also see see someone I care about and want to help any way I can...and I hope you'll let me. Just remember, you're not alone, and you never will be.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Thursday March 8, 2007 9:28 PM
Good God...that's all I can say. How Jim and I are hanging on at this point is beyond my comprehension. I'll run through the days' events in the order that they happened.
I got an e-mail from Jim this morning and he sounded upbeat. He was going to go for his swallowing test. I worked in my room until about noon and then Tawanda and I headed to the UPS Store and then had lunch at the hospital cafeteria. It's no four-star restaurant, I can tell you. We get up to Jim's room and he's thrilled because he did beautifully on his swallowing test, has no more feeding tube, and they brought him a tray of real food. All liquid stuff and a lot of Ensure, but that's o.k. I was thrilled thinking maybe we're FINALLY getting to the end of this and can go home soon. I knew it would be awhile because he still has the pneumonia and the fungus, but he's improving. So at 1:20 I leave to go to the cardiologist and Tawanda stays to keep him company. They looked at the dvd that you guys all made and had a good laugh.
So now I'm sitting at the cardiologist. She tells me that she's afraid to give me a beta blocker to slow down the heart right now because with bipolar syndrome it may make me depressed. She wants to wait until I'm on my new drug about a week then she'll confer with the psychiatrist. It's possible the high heart rate and the damage was done by all the years of untreated bipolar. The damage is not that bad right now. Maybe once I get the bipolar thing under control she'll give me some beta blockers to use just in case of an angina attack. I have no blockages, I have no thyroid problems, and I have no pheochromocytoma. I was starting to get a slight tremor in my right hand when I try to hold a spoon, but that's a side effect of the bipolar drug and may clear on it's own once I get used to the medication.
While I'm sitting there my cell phone rings. It's both Dr. Dolan and Dr. Jewell on the phone. I tell them, "You guys better not have any bad news for me...I can't take anymore." They tell me Jim needs another surgery tomorrow morning. There are two abcesses in his neck that they can't clear, and one looks like it's doing damage to a small artery in the side of his neck. They ask me if he's ever had any problems with infections that don't clear in the past. Now I let them have it. "Has he had any INFECTIONS that don't clear? I have been telling you guys for a MONTH now that he has terrible teeth, that's what started all this mess, and he's been living on Zithromax for a year because he gets abcess after abcess and he needs the damn things pulled out NOW! How do you expect this guy to heal from pneumonia, fungus in his blood, abcesses in his neck, AND abcesses in his teeth? Get rid of ONE of the sources of infection for cryin' out loud! But what do I know! I'm just his wife. Are you going to get a damn oral, surgeon in here NOW or what? Even if Aetna won't pay for it, I don't care! I'll pay for it if I have to!"
So Tawanda and Jim had already heard this news but didn't know that I had already gotten that phone call, so they're sitting in Jim's room saying, "Oh, Lord. What are we gonna tell Pam? How is she going to take it?" Well, when I came in they saw the look on my face so they knew I knew about it already. So they send Jim down for an x-ray of his teeth. The film didn't come out so well. (But I found the secret place down there where all the doctors go outside and smoke). They get him back in his room and who walks in......you guessed it....AN ORAL SURGEON! It's about friggin time! He gets a flashlight and looks in Jim's mouth. Yup- they're bad. Oh, no shit Sherlock. He asks me for the phone number for Jim's oral surgeon back home, so I give it to him, and he's going to get the original x-rays that were done back in the summer. Now Dr. Jewell walks in. I tell him...."So you're finally going to listen to me? Or did you all think I was crazy?" Dr. Jewell and the oral surgeon feel that there is such a virulent type of bacteria living in Jim's jaw under his teeth that that's what might have even been the thing that ate away at his carotid artery. And now they're sending him for an MRI because they don't like the look of a smaller artery on the other side of his face...it's getting distorted. So tomorrow morning the surgery is going to be a minor one....they're going to drain the two abcesses and they're going to restructure the artery. Then we're going to talk about having his teeth pulled at the hospital. Well, they must not think it's that dire or they would have rushed him to surgery right away, but honestly, I'd rather have him have those teeth pulled while he's here. At least these surgeons know his situation, they know what's already been done to his mouth and his face, and I'd rather have them do it than some stranger who doesn't know his situation back home. He's stuck eating soft food now anyway so it's the perfect time to do it. They won't pull the teeth tomorrow, though, although I wish they would so they wouldn't have to put the guy through procedure number four.
And now I'm worried about the condition of his larynx again. Are they going to do more damage intubating him? They assured me no- this will be a quick surgery and he probably won't even have to stay in the ICU again. They plan to get him back to his room in the regular ward. But I'm still a nervous wreck. Whenever they start messing with his arteries I worry about permanent damage. And Tawanda won't let me have any cocktails because of all the medication I'm on. Although I'm cheating right now and put a little Absolut in my orange juice....just a little! But it's giving me reflux again so I've got to cut that shit out. I'll bet in about 15 minutes I'm going to have her calling me on the phone yelling at me.
So the day started out SO well, and ended like a big pile of shit. Anybody ever see the movie "Network" from the 70's? I'm going to yell out the window, "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!"
Tomorrow morning I'm going to the custom t-shirt place in the mall and I'm getting a shirt made that says "I TOLD YOU SO" on the front and "WHAT DO I KNOW....I'M JUST THE WIFE" on the back. And I'm going to wear it when Jim comes out of recovery. This is why I really hate doctors.
I've got a shrink appointment at 1:00 tomorrow, too. So if you need me, call the cell.
I got an e-mail from Jim this morning and he sounded upbeat. He was going to go for his swallowing test. I worked in my room until about noon and then Tawanda and I headed to the UPS Store and then had lunch at the hospital cafeteria. It's no four-star restaurant, I can tell you. We get up to Jim's room and he's thrilled because he did beautifully on his swallowing test, has no more feeding tube, and they brought him a tray of real food. All liquid stuff and a lot of Ensure, but that's o.k. I was thrilled thinking maybe we're FINALLY getting to the end of this and can go home soon. I knew it would be awhile because he still has the pneumonia and the fungus, but he's improving. So at 1:20 I leave to go to the cardiologist and Tawanda stays to keep him company. They looked at the dvd that you guys all made and had a good laugh.
So now I'm sitting at the cardiologist. She tells me that she's afraid to give me a beta blocker to slow down the heart right now because with bipolar syndrome it may make me depressed. She wants to wait until I'm on my new drug about a week then she'll confer with the psychiatrist. It's possible the high heart rate and the damage was done by all the years of untreated bipolar. The damage is not that bad right now. Maybe once I get the bipolar thing under control she'll give me some beta blockers to use just in case of an angina attack. I have no blockages, I have no thyroid problems, and I have no pheochromocytoma. I was starting to get a slight tremor in my right hand when I try to hold a spoon, but that's a side effect of the bipolar drug and may clear on it's own once I get used to the medication.
While I'm sitting there my cell phone rings. It's both Dr. Dolan and Dr. Jewell on the phone. I tell them, "You guys better not have any bad news for me...I can't take anymore." They tell me Jim needs another surgery tomorrow morning. There are two abcesses in his neck that they can't clear, and one looks like it's doing damage to a small artery in the side of his neck. They ask me if he's ever had any problems with infections that don't clear in the past. Now I let them have it. "Has he had any INFECTIONS that don't clear? I have been telling you guys for a MONTH now that he has terrible teeth, that's what started all this mess, and he's been living on Zithromax for a year because he gets abcess after abcess and he needs the damn things pulled out NOW! How do you expect this guy to heal from pneumonia, fungus in his blood, abcesses in his neck, AND abcesses in his teeth? Get rid of ONE of the sources of infection for cryin' out loud! But what do I know! I'm just his wife. Are you going to get a damn oral, surgeon in here NOW or what? Even if Aetna won't pay for it, I don't care! I'll pay for it if I have to!"
So Tawanda and Jim had already heard this news but didn't know that I had already gotten that phone call, so they're sitting in Jim's room saying, "Oh, Lord. What are we gonna tell Pam? How is she going to take it?" Well, when I came in they saw the look on my face so they knew I knew about it already. So they send Jim down for an x-ray of his teeth. The film didn't come out so well. (But I found the secret place down there where all the doctors go outside and smoke). They get him back in his room and who walks in......you guessed it....AN ORAL SURGEON! It's about friggin time! He gets a flashlight and looks in Jim's mouth. Yup- they're bad. Oh, no shit Sherlock. He asks me for the phone number for Jim's oral surgeon back home, so I give it to him, and he's going to get the original x-rays that were done back in the summer. Now Dr. Jewell walks in. I tell him...."So you're finally going to listen to me? Or did you all think I was crazy?" Dr. Jewell and the oral surgeon feel that there is such a virulent type of bacteria living in Jim's jaw under his teeth that that's what might have even been the thing that ate away at his carotid artery. And now they're sending him for an MRI because they don't like the look of a smaller artery on the other side of his face...it's getting distorted. So tomorrow morning the surgery is going to be a minor one....they're going to drain the two abcesses and they're going to restructure the artery. Then we're going to talk about having his teeth pulled at the hospital. Well, they must not think it's that dire or they would have rushed him to surgery right away, but honestly, I'd rather have him have those teeth pulled while he's here. At least these surgeons know his situation, they know what's already been done to his mouth and his face, and I'd rather have them do it than some stranger who doesn't know his situation back home. He's stuck eating soft food now anyway so it's the perfect time to do it. They won't pull the teeth tomorrow, though, although I wish they would so they wouldn't have to put the guy through procedure number four.
And now I'm worried about the condition of his larynx again. Are they going to do more damage intubating him? They assured me no- this will be a quick surgery and he probably won't even have to stay in the ICU again. They plan to get him back to his room in the regular ward. But I'm still a nervous wreck. Whenever they start messing with his arteries I worry about permanent damage. And Tawanda won't let me have any cocktails because of all the medication I'm on. Although I'm cheating right now and put a little Absolut in my orange juice....just a little! But it's giving me reflux again so I've got to cut that shit out. I'll bet in about 15 minutes I'm going to have her calling me on the phone yelling at me.
So the day started out SO well, and ended like a big pile of shit. Anybody ever see the movie "Network" from the 70's? I'm going to yell out the window, "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!"
Tomorrow morning I'm going to the custom t-shirt place in the mall and I'm getting a shirt made that says "I TOLD YOU SO" on the front and "WHAT DO I KNOW....I'M JUST THE WIFE" on the back. And I'm going to wear it when Jim comes out of recovery. This is why I really hate doctors.
I've got a shrink appointment at 1:00 tomorrow, too. So if you need me, call the cell.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Wednesday March 7, 2007 10:21 PM
Went to see Jim this afternoon and he looked SO much better. He's not getting all of the antibiotics at once now- just one at a time. Still on four of them, though. They took him down for a chest x-ray to see if his lungs are improving, but I don't know the results of that because the nurses knew nothing and the doctor never returned my page today. But the fact that you can SEE he's getting better and he's more interested in his dvd's and things I brought into the room for him tells a story on it's own. We sat and watched tv for awhile, like the old married couple we USED to be and then we took a little walk around the floor of the ward. They were talking about giving him a swallowing test today but decided to postpone it. To do the swallowing test you have to "cough" the food away from your windpipe and swallow, and since he's still coughing from the pneumonia they were afraid a test might send him into a coughing fit and he'd aspirate again and aggravate the situation. They may do the test tomorrow if he's coughing less. But he was less agitated and seemed more like himself.
Before I left the hotel this afternoon to see him my reports from Deborah Heart and Lung arrived...just in time for my cardiology appointment tomorrow..so of course I read them. Get this: The patient is a MIDDLE AGED, thin white woman....Ok- I like the thin part, but MIDDLE AGED? Boy, that made me feel great. It also indicated that I have missed heartbeats. I knew that because I can feel them. It's like little "doodleoops" in my chest, and they don't hurt, but it makes you stop and say, "What the hell was THAT?"
And I'm being a good girl and taking my bi-polar meds. One thing I've noticed, and maybe it's just a coincidence....since I started the medicine I have NO stomach trouble. Well, I hope that keeps up.
So Tawanda arrived today and tonight we went to dinner, then saw Jim. So the three of us are sitting there talking. I got up and was trying to turn on a lamp and broke the thing, so I went out to the nurses' station to tell them about my "oops". A nurses' aide came in while I was gone and asked Jim if Tawanda was his daughter. Of course, that cracked everybody up.
I'll be working in the a.m. and then have to get to my appointment by 1:30, so if you need me, leave a voicemail and I'll get to you when I'm done.
Before I left the hotel this afternoon to see him my reports from Deborah Heart and Lung arrived...just in time for my cardiology appointment tomorrow..so of course I read them. Get this: The patient is a MIDDLE AGED, thin white woman....Ok- I like the thin part, but MIDDLE AGED? Boy, that made me feel great. It also indicated that I have missed heartbeats. I knew that because I can feel them. It's like little "doodleoops" in my chest, and they don't hurt, but it makes you stop and say, "What the hell was THAT?"
And I'm being a good girl and taking my bi-polar meds. One thing I've noticed, and maybe it's just a coincidence....since I started the medicine I have NO stomach trouble. Well, I hope that keeps up.
So Tawanda arrived today and tonight we went to dinner, then saw Jim. So the three of us are sitting there talking. I got up and was trying to turn on a lamp and broke the thing, so I went out to the nurses' station to tell them about my "oops". A nurses' aide came in while I was gone and asked Jim if Tawanda was his daughter. Of course, that cracked everybody up.
I'll be working in the a.m. and then have to get to my appointment by 1:30, so if you need me, leave a voicemail and I'll get to you when I'm done.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Tuesday March 6, 2007 8:50 PM
I paged Jim's doctor, Dr. Tannas, this morning. According to him, Jim's doing much better. His bloodwork is slowly improving, and they removed all of the staples from his face today. Jim tells him he FEELS lousy, but the doctor said it's probably the four antibiotics he's on that's doing that, plus they can make you a little crazy. This was the first day Jim woke up without a high fever...it was just a low grade one, so if he continues improving they may try to do a little swallowing therapy on him. But it's at least another week on these antibiotics. I asked the doctor about his gameplan. The plan is to 1) get rid of the pneumonia, obviously and then 2) have him fully functioning and able to eat on his own before he's released. This is going to take awhile. I told the doctor, just take as long as you need to get it done. We'll cope somehow.
So I had a shrink appointment this morning, the details of which I'll get to later, and I stopped and saw Jim afterwards. He was in a lot of pain because of the staple removal, so they pumped him up with some morphine, but by the late afternoon when I went back he was pain free. He's starting to get a little nutty, though. I asked the nurse about if it could be from morphine withdrawl, because he's acting like one of those junkies you see on the street corner. She said it's a combination of that, the meds he's on, and a phenomenon she sees quite often that she calls "hospitalitis": When you're just in the hospital so long you start to lose perspective on where you are. Like the other day when he was asking me about being plugged into the computer....he kept talking about "When are we going upstairs?" and I'm telling him, you ARE upstairs. You're on the top floor...you can't get any higher than that. "But I was in the basement yesterday." No, you were NOT in the basement yesterday. You've been in this room for several days now. Then I'm asking him questions about work and other things to make sure he hasn't totally lost his mind. Of course, he had to bust my chops and say, "What do I do for a living again?" Oh, I almost choked him for that. "Stop scaring me!" I told him. He has a phone in his room but can barely talk because of the feeding tube still in his nose so there's no point anyone calling him. You might not understand him anyway. But he must be getting better becauuse he's flailing around. He asks me to cover him up, then he kicks off the covers, then he rolls over, then he plays with the t.v., then he turns it off, then he plays with the covers again. He wouldn't have that much energy if he wasn't getting better. I'm going to ask the nurses tomorrow if maybe he's healthy enough to go for a little ride in the wheelchair just so he can get out of those four walls a little bit.
Now on to me. So it turns out I really AM nuts. Well, this does not surprise me one bit. The official diagnosis is bipolar, or manic-depressive...same thing. This is not the first time a doctor's told me that. The doctor, Dr. Hunt, said it was a good thing Dr. Frank did not give me any anti-depressants the other day because they can make bipolar people suicidal. The best medicine is lithium, but that can be toxic to the kidneys and I already have lupus which can damage the kidneys, so she picked her second favorite drug, which is actually a seizure medication, but works well for bipolar people. It will take about a week to fully kick in. In the meantime I'll stay away from sharp objects. She was actually talking about possibly admitting me, but I told her no way....I've got too much work to do. I promised to page her if I wig out. Then Thursday I see the caridiologist. Friday the shrink again. To try and find somthing good out of all this, at least I finally got off my butt and got treated for this thing. It was the trauma of all of this that finally pushed me over the edge. Otherwise I would have gone another forty years and wound up trying to treat this AND alzheimers. Wouldn't THAT have been a mess. I find it very amusing, though. I really AM crazy...that just cracks me up. I'm riding down the road yelling at the cars...."Get out of my way...I'm CRAZY!!!"
I also spoke with the principal at Jimmy's school today to see if maybe they can get him some counseling. The principal said he'd have lunch with him and see how he's doing, then hook him up with their psychiatrist just to see how he's coping.
So I had a shrink appointment this morning, the details of which I'll get to later, and I stopped and saw Jim afterwards. He was in a lot of pain because of the staple removal, so they pumped him up with some morphine, but by the late afternoon when I went back he was pain free. He's starting to get a little nutty, though. I asked the nurse about if it could be from morphine withdrawl, because he's acting like one of those junkies you see on the street corner. She said it's a combination of that, the meds he's on, and a phenomenon she sees quite often that she calls "hospitalitis": When you're just in the hospital so long you start to lose perspective on where you are. Like the other day when he was asking me about being plugged into the computer....he kept talking about "When are we going upstairs?" and I'm telling him, you ARE upstairs. You're on the top floor...you can't get any higher than that. "But I was in the basement yesterday." No, you were NOT in the basement yesterday. You've been in this room for several days now. Then I'm asking him questions about work and other things to make sure he hasn't totally lost his mind. Of course, he had to bust my chops and say, "What do I do for a living again?" Oh, I almost choked him for that. "Stop scaring me!" I told him. He has a phone in his room but can barely talk because of the feeding tube still in his nose so there's no point anyone calling him. You might not understand him anyway. But he must be getting better becauuse he's flailing around. He asks me to cover him up, then he kicks off the covers, then he rolls over, then he plays with the t.v., then he turns it off, then he plays with the covers again. He wouldn't have that much energy if he wasn't getting better. I'm going to ask the nurses tomorrow if maybe he's healthy enough to go for a little ride in the wheelchair just so he can get out of those four walls a little bit.
Now on to me. So it turns out I really AM nuts. Well, this does not surprise me one bit. The official diagnosis is bipolar, or manic-depressive...same thing. This is not the first time a doctor's told me that. The doctor, Dr. Hunt, said it was a good thing Dr. Frank did not give me any anti-depressants the other day because they can make bipolar people suicidal. The best medicine is lithium, but that can be toxic to the kidneys and I already have lupus which can damage the kidneys, so she picked her second favorite drug, which is actually a seizure medication, but works well for bipolar people. It will take about a week to fully kick in. In the meantime I'll stay away from sharp objects. She was actually talking about possibly admitting me, but I told her no way....I've got too much work to do. I promised to page her if I wig out. Then Thursday I see the caridiologist. Friday the shrink again. To try and find somthing good out of all this, at least I finally got off my butt and got treated for this thing. It was the trauma of all of this that finally pushed me over the edge. Otherwise I would have gone another forty years and wound up trying to treat this AND alzheimers. Wouldn't THAT have been a mess. I find it very amusing, though. I really AM crazy...that just cracks me up. I'm riding down the road yelling at the cars...."Get out of my way...I'm CRAZY!!!"
I also spoke with the principal at Jimmy's school today to see if maybe they can get him some counseling. The principal said he'd have lunch with him and see how he's doing, then hook him up with their psychiatrist just to see how he's coping.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Monday March 5, 2007 9:00 PM
First, here's the update on Jim. He's the same. He claims that the gazillion anti-biotics he's getting aren't making him feel any better, plus now he's also developed some kind of fungus, so they added another antibiotic for that. I can't get the nurses to tell me anything and his doctor never returned my call tonight, so I don't know if that's just Jim's perception of how he's doing or if it's real. I have a feeling he's going to have to get the broncoscopy they've been talking about. But they've at least been able to reduce the amount of oxygen he's getting, so it can't be all gloom and doom.
As for me, this medication they gave me has made me swing WAY over to the other side. I am so depressed it's not funny. I just can't see any end of this in sight and I'm in a big, black hole right now. To top it off, my shrink's office called to cancel my appointment today because the shrink was sick. I told her secretary that I'm really depressed...can't someone else see me today? But those people have nothing but the sound of the ocean between their ears, so it's no use. So I paged Dr. Frank. She told me to discontinue the meds until I get into the shrink's office and see what they say. My only fear is that if the shrink went home sick today I'm guessing she probably won't be in for my 8:30 appt tomorrow, either. Dr. Frank told me to call her if that happens and she'll make sure I get in. I've been getting what work done that I can but I know a few of you have e-mailed about how Jim and I are doing. I just don't have the energy to answer. No offense to anyone. I've just got to find a way to get out of this hole.
As for me, this medication they gave me has made me swing WAY over to the other side. I am so depressed it's not funny. I just can't see any end of this in sight and I'm in a big, black hole right now. To top it off, my shrink's office called to cancel my appointment today because the shrink was sick. I told her secretary that I'm really depressed...can't someone else see me today? But those people have nothing but the sound of the ocean between their ears, so it's no use. So I paged Dr. Frank. She told me to discontinue the meds until I get into the shrink's office and see what they say. My only fear is that if the shrink went home sick today I'm guessing she probably won't be in for my 8:30 appt tomorrow, either. Dr. Frank told me to call her if that happens and she'll make sure I get in. I've been getting what work done that I can but I know a few of you have e-mailed about how Jim and I are doing. I just don't have the energy to answer. No offense to anyone. I've just got to find a way to get out of this hole.
Monday March 5, 2007 12:29 AM
Made it back to the hotel in one piece. It was nice to see Jimmy, but actually made me more depressed. And he was crying when he went in the car with my parents down to Nick and Judy because he doesn't understand why Mommy's not coming with him. When he got back to my house he told Pop Pop Nick that he talked to Daddy on the phone, but he didn't sound good. Well, I suppose it would be the same situation if God forbid one of us were deployed overseas.
I called Jim's nurse when I stopped for gas on the Mass Pike and she says they started his new meds and he's sleeping more peacefully than last night.
It sure didn't help I had Oleta Adams on in the car:
You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
I called Jim's nurse when I stopped for gas on the Mass Pike and she says they started his new meds and he's sleeping more peacefully than last night.
It sure didn't help I had Oleta Adams on in the car:
You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Sunday March 4, 2007 6:37 PM
I felt so lousy when I got up this morning. I guess you can't mix Xanax, Valium, and cold medicine. I really wanted to get on the road early to get down to my mother's but Jim called and was babbling about something to do with his computer hookup in the room, so I got myself together and got over there. I think it must be either the morphine or his high fever or both, because he somehow thought he was supposed to be plugged into the computer. I don't know. And then the more questions I ask to try and understand what he's talking about the more frustrated he gets with me. Well, in comes Dr. Tannas who changes his dressings where the little leak was under his chin and decides to order a CT scan to see what's going on. Jim was comfortable so I left for NJ. I found that on the medication you can't talk on the cell phone and drive at the same time, but of course everyone was calling me, so it took longer to get here. We had cake for Jimmy, and I did my laundry. Mom and Joe left about 5 pm to go take Jimmy down to my in-laws so they can bring him home for the week. I'm now here in Bloomfield finishing my laundry myself. Mom and Joe are trying to get me to stay overnight but I'm not having it. What's up with this new test washer? You can't get it to just spin, so I'm going to have to wait two hours for the dryer to finish now. I love my 1918!
I talked to Dr. Tannas tonight. The CT scan came back fine. The problem is his lungs. They had the infectious disease specialist come look at him and gave Jim three antibiotics. They're going to give those a couple of days to work, and if not they're going to give him what's called a broncoscopy. That's where they basically stuck a tube down your throat and vacuum the crap out of the lungs manually. Dr. Tannas also says Jim's larynx isn't TOO bad, but it's no better than it was during the first swallowing test. Jim just THINKS it is because he really can't feel it properly. They said after all is said and done they may transfer him to a rehab facility to do therapy with him, but they are confident that eventually he will eat on his own again. They're going to try a rehab facility close to our home so we can at least get the HELL out of this place and be somewhat of a family again. But they don't expect Jim to get out of Lahey until at least mid-month.
So I'll be heading back to Boston pretty damn late tonight. If you need me in the morning, e-mail instead of call. I'm so exhausted I have GOT to get a little rest, and I don't expect to be back in Massachusetts until at least midnight.
I talked to Dr. Tannas tonight. The CT scan came back fine. The problem is his lungs. They had the infectious disease specialist come look at him and gave Jim three antibiotics. They're going to give those a couple of days to work, and if not they're going to give him what's called a broncoscopy. That's where they basically stuck a tube down your throat and vacuum the crap out of the lungs manually. Dr. Tannas also says Jim's larynx isn't TOO bad, but it's no better than it was during the first swallowing test. Jim just THINKS it is because he really can't feel it properly. They said after all is said and done they may transfer him to a rehab facility to do therapy with him, but they are confident that eventually he will eat on his own again. They're going to try a rehab facility close to our home so we can at least get the HELL out of this place and be somewhat of a family again. But they don't expect Jim to get out of Lahey until at least mid-month.
So I'll be heading back to Boston pretty damn late tonight. If you need me in the morning, e-mail instead of call. I'm so exhausted I have GOT to get a little rest, and I don't expect to be back in Massachusetts until at least midnight.
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