Sunday March 11, 2007 10:43 PM

So I went to see Jim twice again today...once in the afternoon and once in the evening. He insists he's fine...says he feels fine...doesn't need much pain medication...the thing that hurts the most is his throat because it's sore from being intubated for the third time. I know how those can be because I've had them a few times and it does leave you with a sore throat for a few days. But there's nothing weird leaking out of the gazzilion drains coming out of him...everything is clear- not cloudy like the last time. So I'm hoping this is it. But I can't help but be on pins and needles. Every time the phone rings from a 781 area code my heart falls down to my stomach. Today it rang....but it was the music store calling to say my copy of Borat was in. So I brought Jim's dvd player and we watched it in his room. We've already seen it twice, but that is ONE funny movie. He keeps begging me to bring him ice cream. I told him no way...not until you pass your swallowing test again. I am NOT bringing contraband food to his room and get myself in trouble. Then they'll look at the drain coming out of his stomach and say, "What the hell is THAT?" and probably send him for MRI's again. Yes- he has to go for another swallowing test because of the new surgery. I think they plan on doing it tomorrow. The nurse said that ice cream might make his throat feel better anyway so I'm hoping he passes.

So I keep trying to stay positive but it's very hard. I'm just waiting for a doctor to tell me he's got stuff going on in his neck again. Even when they do release him I think we'll stay here for a couple of extra days just to make sure nothing starts swelling or leaking or bleeding.

But then I think about how I almost died after I had Jimmy and how I had three surgeries to save my life...and here I am. (The fourth surgery was just to clean up the scar tissue left by the other three.) And I think about how they kept sending me HOME in between and then I'd be laying on the bathroom floor, full of blood clots and in so much pain I was begging Jim to put a bullet through my head and put me out of my misery. And I think about how I told the doctor that if he was trying to save all my body parts just get rid of them because I'm done using them, and he told me that I needed a hysterectomy, but he couldn't do it because I'd already lost so much blood I would die on the table. All he could do was D & C's and pray. My blood level was lower than Jim's even after his carotid blew. And I'm still here. I STILL have nerve damage throughout my entire abdomen from that mess, but over the years it's gotten better and better. They tried their best to kill me but it didn't work. I am actually one of only a handful of women that had what's called an "accreta" and kept all of my parts and didn't die. I can fully understand now the torment that Jim must have been going through when that happened to me. I'm living it now only in reverse. And I played the Mega Millions lottery last week and STILL didn't win.

So I keep trying to remember how I made it...Jim can make it too. Just think positive, Pam, and take it day by day.