Sunday November 30, 2008 10:48 a.m.

My endometrial biopsy was on Friday, and leading up to it I was having panic attacks. The most enjoyable one was last week when I had a flash in my mind of the test itself, then almost passed out on the toilet. It took me an extra hour to get ready that morning. When I get nervous about something I tend to get the runs, so my colon is nice and clean now. Who needs colon cleanse? Just freak me out and that will do it for me. Part of the reason I'm so freaked is because of what happened to me when I had Jimmy. As you all know, I almost bled to death and had three surgeries. I was told by my last doctor that if any invasive procedure was done to my uterus it would be very dangerous for me, so I've got visions of horrible infections and hemorrhage from this thing.

So Dr. Church lady brings me into the office, then she kicks Jim out. She tells me my Pap test was normal but I'm positive for HPV. There's a shitload of different types of HPV, some of which cause cervical cancer, but she doesn't tell me which type I have and my brain was so fried I didn't ask. We'll save that for another day. Now let me tell you about that biopsy. I must have been invented by some sick bastard who hated his mother. I went into that room high on two Ativans and three Darvocets, and it STILL hurt like holy hell. Dr. Church Lady is getting stern with me and telling me to "relax, Pam, you've got to relax...." and I'm in the stirrups twitching my toes. Being immobile and twitching my toes was the best I could do, but she's still yelling at me...."If I can't do this in the office we're going to have to do it in same-day surgery with anesthesia!" Well, why the hell didn't she offer me that option in the first place? That would have been my choice. Knock me the hell out already and then it probably would have saved me the panic attacks. While she's doing the test she's walking me through it, telling me what's next, and she swabs my insides with Betadine. I chime in with "Wait...I'm allergic to Betadine!" And I am. I found that out the hard way when someone gave me a catheter swabbed with it years ago. Dr. Church Lady panics and says, "I don't see that on your chart" and I said, "Well, I told your resident that the last time I was here...." She asked me what happens with Betadine, and I said, "I get burning and a rash..." Now Dr. Church Lady's got to try and flush all the Betadine out with water, but there's no way she's going to totally alleviate my reaction to it, so that only adds to the pain of the procedure. After she's done I'm crying like a baby and she tells me she might have to bring me back in for another type of biopsy....something involving water....but I was in too much pain and too high to understand what the hell she was saying, which is why she really should have left Jim in the room so someone with a clear head could have been paying attention. What I do remember is sort of foggy...she mentioned that she "didn't take out a lot of material" and "if we have to remove your uterus we'll leave your ovaries since you're still young." Lovely thought. But I won't know the results of this torture for two more weeks because now the pathologist has to look at the cells. Maybe it will be nothing, but if I do have to have surgery I don't even care. These stupid parts have given me nothing but trouble...good riddance to them if they have to go. So now I sit and wait.