Monday February 19, 2007 7:31 PM

Well, I hoped to have better news today, but they wound up giving Jim a feeding tube this afternoon.

I got to the hospital in the early afternoon and he had just gotten back from his swallowing assessment. He did pretty well- it certainly wasn't hopeless. He can swallow somewhat but he only manages to get down about half of what he swallows- they rest goes down through the open larynx. They're going to give him two more days to heal a little more and then assess him again. They've been pumping him with steroids to try and hurry that process along. But when I got there he was now allowed to eat some ice chips, which he wasn't allowed to do yesterday. He looked so pitiful and deflated, though. And he's getting REALLY hungry. I asked him if since it was o.k. for him to have ice chips, couldn't he suck on an ice POP? At least that would taste a little more interesting than just plain water ice chips. So I was afraid to ask because they might have said no, and that didn't make any sense to me, so I ran down to the vending machines on the first floor and snuck one up to his room as contraband. I had to get him strawberry because the only choices were coconut, which he hates, banana, which he hates, and strawbewrry. I stuck it in a little cup and found him a plastic spoon and he spooned little bits into his mouth. At least he looked a little happier while he was doing that. I closed the curtain to his room so the nurses wouldn't see and if one came in we switched cups so it looked like I was the one eating the ice pop.

The doctor came in about an hour later and I confessed to what I had done. He was o.k. with it....just said try to get him a different color next time so they don't get nervous and think it's blood. Well, geez....if his blood loooks like the color of a strawberry ice pop he's got bigger problems than we thought he had.

The doctor asked him to stick his tongue out again and liked what he saw. And asked him to do a couple other things, which he liked, but decided to put the feeding tube in anyway. This was mostly because even though Jim can manage to get a small amount of liquid into himself, he's still inhaling too much and what he can get down is not enough to sustain him right now so he can build his strength up and try and get better. But Jim got so depressed after that, you could just see his shoulders slump and the little bit of life and hope he had in him yesterday was gone. Or maybe it was the morphine. But I think he's very depressed. He's still very sick but wants to go home, so he must be getting a LITTLE better. Usually when you start to get antsy that's a good sign of recovery.

So I excused myself and went out to the parking lot to have another breakdown (because you can't get a shred of privacy in that place- not even in the Chapel or the ladies' room- and I don't want Jim to see me like that), popped a Xanax, and came back in once it hit my bloodstream.

I hung around when they put the thing in, and took a whiff of the stuff they were giving him. It actually smells pretty good....like chocolate.

The guys that did the swallowing assessment said that they weren't going to release Jim until he can eat enough on his own for three to five days. Since they're not testing him for two more days, God ony knows when we're getting out of here. The doctor who did the surgery, however- the one who came in afterwards and made him stick out his tongue, etc- made me a little nervous. He just said he was going to have to come up with a "game plan". I sure hope that doesn't include Jim coming home with a feeding tube. Maybe he was thinking about the teflon thing. I didn't ask, because my mind was too numb at that point. I just want my husband back. And I want to go home, but WITH him- not by myself.

Before the feeding tube, Jim's speech was coming along pretty well, but now the damn thing interferes with his talking, so he can hardly talk at all now. And it's uncomfortable for him. And now the little bit of swallowing his WAS able to do is ten times more difficult with that damn tube in the way, so I don't know how he's going to practice excercising those muscles.

I'm also going to warn everyone that his voice will probably never be the same. Right now he sounds like a cross between Joe Pesci and someone with cerebral palsy.

He's been watching a lot of TV and getting bored, so maybe someone can drop him an e-mail. He did respond to a couple that he got. It's jimp1102@comcast.net. Maybe you guys can cheer him up a little, because short of me putting on a clown suit I'm out of options.