Friday March 9, 2007 11:27 PM

I really can't take much more of this, and I honestly don't know how Jim continues to fight. Now it's his third time in the ICU.

They finished his surgery this morning at about 11 and I spoke with Dr. Dolan. I don't know if I 100 percent understand what he was telling me, but here goes: Apparently Jim did not have an abcess in his neck. There was another artery that was eaten through by some sort of infection, so blood was pooling in his neck. Not a lot like the catastrophic thing he went through two weeks ago, but enough that they had to fix another artery. They sent part of the artery to be biopsied to see what the hell this is all about, but those results won't be back for a week. Now, Dr. Dolan doesn't believe Jim's rotten teeth have anything to do with this infection, but Dr. Tannas (Dr. Dolan's partner) thinks I'm on to something, and agrees with me that the teeth should come out. Does he know for sure that's what's causing the problem? Of course not. Nobody knows. But he believes it's possible, and just the fact that they're rotten means they should come out anyway. Dr. Tannas had tried to get the oral surgeon into the ER with them this morning, but the guy couldn;t make it, so he was going to come in the afternoon. Dr. Dolan says that there was no active infection in the teeth right now. Well, of course there's no active infection in the teeth right NOW- the man's been on four antibiotics for the past week. But when his stitches were healing in the inside of his mouth, couldn't the virulent bacteria that's been living in his mouth for the past X years have seeped through the stitches from his mouth into his neck and then festered there? I mean, I don't have to be a Harvard graduate to figure that one out. At least Dr. Tannas agrees and doesn't think I'm off my rocker. And every time you intubate the man you're pushing all of that bacteria down into his lungs and then you wonder why he gets pneumonia. So I waited until the oral surgeon showed up at around 3:30 pm. (Oh, and guess who I saw working in the ICU today? Little Miss Sunshine. She actually smiled at me. Yeah, you better smile...and you better stay away from me.)
They were talking about pulling the teeth in the ICU room, but decided to use the Operating Room instead, but got an emergency surgery, so Jim got bumped. The next thing I hear is that they're not pulling Jim's teeth today at all. So Tawanda and I went to dinner, then I got a call from the dentist during dessert that he pulled three of Jim's teeth that were closest to the infection site in his neck. What about the rest of them? I ask him. He's saying he doesn't have a game plan for that yet. I'm going to page the shit out of Dr. Dolan tomorrow because he's on call and I'm stuck with him, and get to the bottom of this. Get all of those suckers out, and get them out now!

And now my father-inlaw is giving me a hard time. Right before I went to dinner I spoke with my mother, and there was no news to tell. Joe, my stepfather, was planning on calling Nick anyway so I asked him to please let Nick know that there's no news, and I'll call him if I get any. Next thing you know Nick's calling me saying I shouldn't have anyone else call him but me, and he wants to come up here. I tell him, Nick- I have three cell phones ringing at once and I only have ONE mouth, so I can only talk to one person at a time, and I'm exhausted- physically and mentally. Yes, I know this is his son and I know he's worried, but the best way he can help us is to take care of Jimmy for us. If there's any person in this world that can push and pull and fight and scratch and nag and cajole to get my husband the best treatment they possibly can it's me. There is no one that could do a better job at that. Right now he would be more of a hindrance than a help, because you have to have a knack at dealing with these doctors, and carrying on is just going to turn them off.

So Jim's in the ICU tonight back on a respirator and they have him heavily sedated, but the attending physician in the ICU may take the tube out tomorrow. Dear Lord, I can't handle any more of this. WHAT is going on in my husband's neck? I still think I'm right about this teeth thing, but no one knows for sure. I want to get out of here, I want to take him home healthy, and I want to be a family again.

The only bright spot in the day was the fact that my bipolar meds kicked in, and oh my God...for the first time in as long as I can remember my mind stopped racing and I actually experienced CLARITY. I don't think I could have gotten through this without that happening.

Today I received a card from my step-sister in Idaho, and the saying on it was really very beautiful and very appropriate, so I thought I'd include it here:

Nobody ever said you had to be strong every minute of every day...especially when stresses and strains start weighing on you to the point where you wonder how you can possibly bear it all. You're not supposed to- that's when God comes in. I look at you and I see a much-loved child of God, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He's watching over you, waiting for you to let go of some of your load and lean on Him...I also see see someone I care about and want to help any way I can...and I hope you'll let me. Just remember, you're not alone, and you never will be.